english humor

She Didn't Say Anything

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

 

　

　

　

 

　
　

 

　

A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence.



　

The girl looked at her father and said, “It was Mom”.

　

“How do you know?” asked her father.

　

“She didn't say anything.”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　I Have Turned It Over
　

　

A woman said to her husband, “dear, look at our sheet! It's too dirty. Would you like to wash it now?”

　

The man looked at the sheet and then thought for a while and then said, “I don't think it's necessary. We can turn the sheet over. Is that all right?”

　

His wife was very angry at this. “How lazy you are!” She shouted, “To tell you the truth, I turned it over last week.”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　The Art of Cry
　

　

When Mrs Johnson entered Belli's room, she found that he was binding up his thumb.

　

“What's the matter with you?” she asked.

　

“It is because of that hammer.” Belli answered.

　

“But I didn't hear you cry.” “Oh, I thought you were not in just now.”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　We Need Two of Those
　

　

“Do you need any typists?” asked a young man seeking a job.

　

“No,” said the personnel director checking the list. “We have got plenty of typists.”

　

“How about file clerks?” asked the man.

　

“Sorry, we have many file clerks, too.”

　
　

Disgusted, the applicant started to leave, muttering. “Well, I'll be an S.O.B.

　

　

 

　…
　

”
　

The personnel man jumped up and cried, “what! We need two of those.”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　It's Not That
　

　

“May I borrow your record player tonight?” a man asked his neighbor.

　

“Sure. Do you want to listen to some music?”

　

“No,” he answered. “Tonight I want to have some peace and quiet.”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　It Is Out Too
　

　

One cold day, a friend of the Browns' went to visit them. The maid stopped him at the door. The friend asked, “Is Mr. Brown at home?” “No, he has gone out.” Replied the maid. “Is Mrs. Brown at home, then?” “No, she gone out.” “May I come in and sit by the stove?” “No, it has gone out, too.”

　

　

　

Is There a Crib in Your Stomach?

　

When my sister-in-law Leah was expecting her second child, her son Brian would sometimes touch his mother's tummy to feel the baby move. One day, while touching her stomach and not feeling anything, he asked, “How come the baby isn't moving?”

　

“The baby is sleeping,” replied his mother.

　

Brian thought for a moment and then said, “You mean you got a crib in there too?”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　Mother Mouse
　

　

A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she spotted a cat

　

crouched behind a bush. She watched the cat, and the cat watched the mice.

　

Mother mouse barked fiercely, "Woof, woof, woof!" The cat was so terrified

　

that it ran for it's life.

　

Mother mouse turned to her babies and said, "Now, do you understand the

　

value of a second language?"

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　

I Want to Tell
　

 

　

　

 

　

When I was 12, my best friend and I broke a window playing baseball. We looked around to see if anyone had seen us. No one was in sight except my younger brother. We went over and offered him a piece of candy not to tell. He refused it.
　

“I'll give you my baseball,” I said.

　

“No!”

　

“Well, what do you want?”

　

“I want to tell.”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　A Clever Professor
　

　

Once a professor at Glasgow University put up a notice, which read: “Professor Black will meet his class tomorrow.” This means that he was going to give his students a lecture the next day.

　

One naughty boy of the class saw the notice and wiped away the first letter of the word “class” in the notice. Then the sentence became “Professor Black will meet his lass tomorrow”, which means the professor would meet his girl friend. Seeing this, the professor didn't take it seriously. He, then, simply left out another letter of the word. Finally, the word “class” was turned into “ass”, which means, as we all know, “a stupid donkey”. Overall, the student hadn't surpassed the teacher.

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　

Tom and His Mother
　

 

　

　

 

　

“Mother,” said little Tom, “did you tell father I wanted a new bicycle?”
　

“Yes, dear,” said his mother. “I told him, but he said he couldn't afford to buy you one.”

　

“Of course he would say that. But what did you do?”

　

I told him how badly you wanted it and argued in favor of it, but he refused.

　

“Argued? Ah, mother, if it had been something you wanted you would have cried a little and then you'd have got it!”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　Sand and Fur Coat
　

　

Tom: Last week a grain of sand got into my wife's eye and she had to see a doctor. It cost me three dollars.

　

John: That is nothing. Last week a fur coat went into my wife's eye and it cost me three hundred dollars.

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　No Hoes
　

　

A thirteen-year-old boy was sitting on the sofa watching TV when the telephone rang.

　

“Hello, my son,” it was his father's voice, “Where is your mother.”

　

“Mother is out working in the garden.”

　

“What!” barked the father, “your mother is not as young and strong as she used to be. Why aren't you helping her?”

　

“I can't.” was the reply. “Grandma is using the other hoe!”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　Coincidence
　

　

A woman was singing. One of the guests turned to a man by his side and criticized the singer.

　

“What a terrible voice!” he said. “Do you know who she is?”

　

“Yes,” was the answer. “She is my wife.”

　

“Oh, I beg your pardon,” The man said, “Of course her voice is not bad, but the song is very bad. I wonder who wrote that awful song.”

　

“I did.” was the answer.

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　I Can't See
　

　

An Irishman was once serving in a regiment in India. He did not like the climate there and decided to think out a trick by which he could get home. He went to the doctor and said to him, “My eyesight is very bad. Can you help me?”

　

The doctor looked at him for a while and then asked, “Well, but bow can you prove to me that your eyesight is bad?”

　

The Irishman looked about the room and at last said, “Well, doctor, can you see that nail on the wall?”

　

“Yes.” Replied the doctor.

　

“Well then,” said the Irishman, “and I can't.”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　Tom Saw a Tiger
　

　

“Last week,” Tom said to his friend Ned, “I went for a walk in a large park. It was very cold; the wind was blowing. Suddenly I saw a tiger.”

　

“What did you do?”

　

“I looked at him, put my hands into my pockets and went home,” answered Tom.

　

“Did he run after you?” asked Ned.

　

“No, he didn't. You see, it was in the zoo.”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　All Languages Spoken
　

　

An Englishman arrived at a hotel in France and read the following words on the door: “All languages spoken here.”

　

He spoke to the manager in English, German and Russian, but received no answer. At last he asked in French: “Who speaks all the languages here?”

　

“The hotel guests,” was the answer.

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　

Ten Cents
　

 

　

　

 

　

Robert asked his mother for ten cents. “What are you going to do with the money?” “I'm going to give it to a poor lady, “he answered. “You are a good boy,” said the mother proudly. “Here you are. But why are you so interested in the old lady?” “She is the one who sells ice-suckers.”
　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　A Polite Boy
　

　

Little Tom, in a crowded bus, is sitting on his father's knees. An old lady gets on the bus, and the boy at once jumps down and says: “May I offer you my seat?”

　

“Thank you, little boy. You are really a good child!”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　Are You Going to Dance?



　

　

Everybody was dancing while a young girl sat alone in an armchair. Just then, she was happy to see a handsome young man coming towards her.

　

“Are you going to dance?” asked the man pleasantly.

　

“Yes,” she whispered.

　

“Good,” he said, “May I have your seat then?”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　A New Son
　

　

Old man: May I sit here?

　

Young man: No, you can't. The seat is occupied.

　
　

Young man : (to a beautiful girl) Eh

　

　

 

　…
　

yes. The seat was for her. She is my sister.
　

Old man: Really? Then I am glad to see you, my new son.

　

Old man: She is my daughter.

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　Just the Opposite
　

　

One warm summer morning before breakfast a rich gentleman was walking in the park near his house.

　

Suddenly he saw a man, who was sitting under a tree. The rich man never met this man before. The man was rather pale and poorly dressed.

　

When the rich gentleman approached him, the man rose and said, “Good morning, sir, a fine day, you come out rather early.”

　

“Yes, I did,” answered the rich man. “I came out to see if I can get an appetite for my breakfast. But what are you doing here at such an early hour?”

　

“You see, sir,” said the poor man, “I came out see if I can get a breakfast for my appetite.”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　An Opposite Example
　

　

An aesthetics professor's grandson asked his grandfather. “Grandpa, why did you say that all the falses are ugly?”

　

“That's certainly true. Couldn't you give me an opposite example?”

　

“Oh, yes,” the grandson, climbing on his grandfather's knees, said proudly, “Look at yourself. When you put on your false teeth, you looked younger and lively; when you get off them, your mouth looked empty and shrivelled, that's really ugly. Isn't it an opposite example?”

　

The professor could find no answer.

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　At a Loss
　

　

Son: Papa, where were you born?

　

Father: New York, dear.

　

Son: where was Mamma born?

　

Father: In Los Angeles.

　

Son: Where was I born then?

　

Father: In Washington D.C. .

　

Son: It certainly is funny how we three people got together, isn't it?

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　Keep Feeding Him Nickels
　

　

A mother saw her three-year-old son put a nickle in his mouth and swallowed it. She immediately picked him up, turned him upside down and hit him on the back, whereupon he coughed up two dimes. Frantically, she called to the father outside.

　

“Your son just swallowed a nickle and coughed up tow dimes!”

　

“What shall I do?”

　

Yelled back the father, “Keep feeding him nickels!”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　The Same Mother
　

　

Billy and his brother Davy were in the same class. The teacher asked them to write a composition: “My Mother”. Davy wrote one and Belly just copied it. The next day, the teacher asked Billy. “How is it that your composition is exactly the same with Davy's?”

　

“We have the same mother, don't we?”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　A Friend of the Duck
　

　

An American tourist was lunching in a restaurant in China whose speciality was duck. The waiter explained each dish as he brought it to the table: “This is the breast of the duck. This is the leg of the duck. This is the wing of the duck.

　

Then came a dish that the American knew was chicken. He waited for an explanation. Silence. “Well,” he finally asked. “What's this?” “It's a friend of the duck.” said the waiter.

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　It's Not a Picture
　

　

A middle-aged couple went to the gallery. The wife, who was nearsighted, stood before a big picture of a woman's image and cried out, “Dear me, how could a woman be so ugly?”

　

“Don't be so fussy,” said the husband. “It's not a picture. It's a mirror!”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　It's Unfair
　

　

Once there lived a man who was so lazy that no job was fit for him. In order to make a living he one day went to a neighbor of his for help. The neighbor advised him to be a cemetery caretaker as it was the easiest job one could find. The lazy man was delighted and soon became a cemetery caretaker. But to everybody's surprise he resigned his job three days after he got it. “It's unfair.” he said to the neighbor angrily. “In the cemetery all the others are lying still while I am the only one who has to stand.”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　My Gift to the Judge
　

　

Man: Can you tell me which judge will hear my case? I want to send him some bottles of good wine.

　

Lawyer: No, I can't. To tell you the truth, if you do so, you will break the law and will be sure to lose the case.

　

Several weeks later, the lawyer heard that the man had won it. So he said to him in surprise.

　

Man: Yes, of course. But I put my opponent's name on the card with the drink.

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　A Hundred Per Cent
　

　

Patient: Doctor, please tell me the truth. What are my chances to recover?

　

Doctor: Just a hundred per cent! Statistics show that only nine out of ten die from the disease: Now nine of my patients have already died from it, you are the tenth!

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　Who Are They?
　

　

A portrait painter was very much worried because no customers had ever come to him. A friend of his advised him to make a painting of himself and his wife and hang it outside his studio as an ad. The poor painter did so. The next day his father-in-law came to see him.

　

“Who is that woman?” asked the old man as he saw the painter.

　

“Don't you recognize your daughter?” replied the artist, feeling somewhat annoyed.

　

“Hm,” said the father-in-law. “Then why have you painted her sitting together with that ugly stranger?”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　I'm the Dead Donkey's Father
　

　

A traffic accident happened in a small town, and the place is crowded by many people.

　

A man, who liked watching very much, came late. He could see nothing because he stood behind. Suddenly he had a good idea and then he cried. “Let me in, please. I'm his father!” The other people were surprised, and stepped back in order to let him in. When he entered in and saw clearly, he couldn't say a word: A DEAD DONKEY WAS LYING ON THE GROUND.

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　I Saw Father Get It Out
　

　

When b boy was taking his father's dinner to the factory, he stopped for a minute to watch a workman cleaning a sewer.

　

The boy said interestedly, “My mother dropped her gold watch down here yesterday.”

　

The workman's eyes lit up. “Well, boy,” he said, pretending to be careless, “get along with you.”

　

An hour later the boy came back. “Are you quite sure it was here that your mother lost her watch down?” asked the workman.

　

“I am certain,” replied the boy with a cunning smile, “because I saw Father get it out with my own eyes.”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　Cleaning Knives
　

　

My daughter Laura and her classmates were baking a cake in cooking class one day. After about 35 minutes the teacher said, “Laura, would you check on the cake? Just put a knife in it, and if it comes out clean the cake is ready.”

　

After about 10 minutes Laura came back. “What took you so long?” the teacher asked.

　

“Well,” said Laura, “I stuck the knife in the cake and it came out so clean that I stuck all the other dirty knives in too.”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　A Girl Not Included
　

　

Tom saw an advertisement in a newspaper for a beautiful, modern bicycle which cost

　

　

 

　￡
　

54. 99, so he went to the shop which had put the advertisement in and asked to see one of their wonderful bicycles.
　

The shopkeeper was very happy to show one to Tom, who examined carefully and turned into the shop, saying, “There isn't a lamp on this bicycle, but there was one on the bicycle in your advertisement.

　

“Yes, sir,” answered the shopkeeper, “but the lamp isn't included in the price of the bicycle. It's an extra.”

　

“Not included in the price of the bicycle?” Tom said angrily. “But that's not honest. If the lamp is in the advertisement, it should have been included in the price you gave there.”

　

“Well, sir,” answered the shopkeeper calmly, “there is a girl on the bicycle in our advertisement, but we don't supply one of them with the bicycle either.”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　A Brave Boy
　

　

Johnny was nine years old, and he was a very naughty boy, but his mother always hoped that he would behave better. Then one day, after he had come home from school, Johnny's teacher called his mother on the phone and said, “Did you know, Mrs. Perkins, that Johnny saved a boy when he fell into the river while we were out for a walk this morning?”

　

Mr. Perkins was very happy when she heard this. She thought, “Johnny is becoming a good boy.” Then she turned to him and said, “That was your teacher. Why didn't you tell me you had been such a brave boy and saved one of your friends when he fell into the river this morning?”

　

But Johnny did not look very happy when he heard this. His face became very red, and he said, “Well, I really had to pull him out because I pushed him in.”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　Jim at Sea
　

　

Jim worked as a cabin-boy on a small steamer. One morning he broke a coffeepot and threw it into the sea. When he brought in breakfast for the captain, he said, “May I ask you a question, sir?”

　

“Of course, you may,” said the captain, “What is it?”

　

“Is it a thing lost if you know where it is?” said Jim.

　

“Of course it isn't,” said the captain.

　

“Then your coffee-pot isn't lost, sir, because I know where it is,” said Jim with a smile.

　

“Where is it?” asked the captain.

　

“At the bottom of the sea.” said Jim.

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　A Farmer and a Vet
　

　

Farmer Jones was known to be stingy. He met the local vet in front of the courthouse. Here was the chance. He could get some free advice.

　

“Doctor,” he said, “I've got a peculiar horse. Sometimes he walks normally. At other times he limps. What should I do?”

　

The vet told him, “Next time he walks normally, sell him!”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　You Are the Fifth
　

　

A man saw a fisherman standing in the lake with a mirror. “Excuse me,” he said. “What are you doing?”

　

“Fishing,” the fisherman replied.

　

“With a mirror?” the man asked, surprise.

　

“Sure-it's a new invention. I am going to make a fortune.”

　

“Could you tell how it works?”

　

“Okay, but is will cost you $10.”

　

To satisfy his curiousity, the man handed the fisherman the money. “Now show me how it works,” he said.

　

“Well,” the fisherman began, “you aim the mirror into the water, and when a fish goes by, you startle him with rays of light reflected from the mirror. The fish gets confused and then you grab it.”

　

The man was greatly surprised. “Don't tell me that how you fish. It's ridiculous! How many have you caught?”

　

“You are the fifth today!” replied the fisherman with a smile.

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　A Smart Horse
　

　

A cowboy fell off his horse and broke his leg way out on the prairie. The steed grabbed his master's belt in his teeth, carried him to shelter and then went to fetch the doctor.

　

Talking it over a few weeks later, a friend praised the horse's intelligence. “Heck, he's so smart,” replied the cowboy. “He came back with the veterinarian.”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　Outside and Inside
　

　

Teacher: Arthur, if you had three apples and ate one, how many would you have?

　

Arther: Three.

　

Teacher: Three?

　

Arthur: Yes, Two outside and one inside.

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　The City Man and the Mountain Man
　

　

A city man was on holidays in the mountains. He got talking to a local man and was very impressed by the mountain man's common sense. He suggested they play a game. “We will ask each other questions,” he said, “and the person who can't answer pays a dollar.” The mountain man thought about this for a few minutes, then pointed out that the city man was more educated and experienced. He said it would be fairer if the city man paid a dollar and he pays only 50 cents. The city man agreed.

　

“What has three legs and can fly?” asked the mountain man. Minutes passed while the city man racked his brain for an answer. “I don't know,” he finally said. “Here is your dollar.”

　

Then he asked the same question: “What has three legs and can fly?”

　

“Darned if I know,” said the mountain man. “Here is your 50 cents.”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　Welcome to Come Back
　

　

A tourist saw a road sign that read “No through Way. Please Go Another Way.” He looked ahead and saw nothing wrong at all. He decided to go on, thinking the sign was a kind of joke. After a while he saw a broken bridge and had to turn back. When he came to the sign on the road, he saw these words on its backside: “Welcome to Come Back. You Fool!”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　The Rope and the Weather
　

　

Boy: What are you doing with that piece of rope?

　

Old-timer: This is a weather gauge, my son.

　

Boy: How do you tell the weather with a piece of rope?

　

Old-timer: It's simple. When it swings back and forth it windy. When it gets wet, it's raining.

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　I'll Take the Other One
　

　

If you think prices are too high you can follow the example of one American woman. At a fruit shop the price of oranges was marked as two for 35 cents.

　

The woman asked how much one orange was. “18 cents.” was the answer. “Then,” the woman said, “I'll take the other one!”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　A Silly Husband
　

　

Nurse: Oh, Professor, guess what?

　

Professor: Why are you so excited, nurse?

　

Nurse: You have just become the father of a baby boy!

　

Professor: Well, don't tell my wife. I want to surprise her.

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　Is Your Wife at Home Now?
　

　

The boss arrived at his office with a terrible headache. “That's funny, boss.” Commented an employee. “A few days ago, I had a terrible headache too, but it didn't last long. My wife pulled me over the sofa, gave me a big hug and a kiss, My headache went away.”

　

The boss put on his hat. “I've tried everything else,” he muttered. “Is your wife at home now?”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　I Shoot Them All
　

　

Tom: I used to shoot tigers in Africa.

　

Jack: Nonsense! There are no tigers in Africa.

　

Tom: Right you are. I shoot them all!

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　Women and Credit Cards
　

　

Two men were getting ready to leave a pub. “You can't live with them and you can't live without them,” one of the men grumbled. “That's the way women are, pal,” agreed the other.

　

“Who said anything about women?” snarled the first man. “I'm talking about credit cards.”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　The Secret of Success
　

　

At the insistence of a reporter a wealthy man finally decided to reveal the secret of his success. “I first became rich selling homing pigeons,” he explained.

　

“Really?” replied the amazed reporter. “How many did you start with?”

　

“Only one,” the millionaire answered, “but he kept coming back.”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　I'm Using My Pencil
　

　

Over the doctor's telephone came a call from a man who said that his small son had swallowed his pen. The doctor said, “I'll come at one, What are you doing in the meantime?”

　

“I'm using my pencil,” the man answered.

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　On a Bus
　

　

There were many people in the bus and no vacant seats. When a woman entered, an old man near the door attempted to rise, but she forced him back into his seat. “Thank you,” she said, “but please don't do that. I am perfectly able to stand.”

　
　

“But, madam, let me

　

　

 

　…
　

” began the man.
　

“I ask you to keep your seat,” interrupted the woman with the hands on his shoulders.

　
　

But the man tried to rise, saying: “Madam, will you kindly permit me to

　

　

 

　…
　

”
　

“No, no,” said the woman and again forced him back.

　

At last the man managed to get up, saying; “Madam, you carried me three blocks beyond my house. I wanted to get off.”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　Here Is Another
　

　

When quite young, Webster did not always obey the rules at school. One day the teacher caught him breaking a rule and asked him to come forward to be punished. In that school, striking the open hand with a ruler was the punishment. Webster's hands happened to be very dirty. On the way to the teacher's desk he hid his hands behind his back.

　

“Give me your hand,” demanded the teacher.

　

Out went the right hand.

　

“Webster, if you will find another hand in the schoolroom as dirty as that, I will let you go.” Instantly from Webster's back came the left hand. “Here is another, sir,” he replied.

　

“That will do.” said the teacher, laughing. “You may go.”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　You Are Wrong
　

　

A man who had been going out with a young woman came to call on her one night carrying a little box in his pocket. At what he judged to be the right time, he pulled out the box, opened it and showed his beloved an engagement ring with her name engraved inside. “I want you to be my wife,” he said.

　

“I don't know how to tell you this,” she replied, “but I loved another.”

　

“Tell me his name!” the suitor demanded.

　

“No, no,” she shouted. “Do you want a fight?”

　

“No,” shouted back the man. “I just want to sell him this ring.”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　At Night
　

　

When the Americans were getting ready to send their first men to the moon, an old Irishman was watching them on television in the bar of a hotel.

　

There was an Englishman in the bar, too, and he said to the Irishman, “The Americans are very clever, aren't they? They are going to send some men to the moon. It is a long way from our world.”

　

“Oh, that's nothing,” the Irishman answered quickly.

　

“The Irish are going to send some men to the sun in a few months' time. That's much farther away from the moon, you know.”

　

“Oh, yes, it is,” he said, “but the sun is too hot for the people to go to.”

　

The Irishman laughed and said, “Well, the Irish aren't stupid, you know. We won't go to the sun during the day, of course. We will go there during the night.”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　

I Must Find It
　

 

　

　

 

　

Mr. Morrow was a very absent-minded man. Once he was reading earnestly on a train when the conductor asked him to show his ticket. Frantically Mr. Morrow searched for it.
　

“Never mind, Mr. Morrow,” the conductor said. “When you find it, mail it to the company. I'm certain you have it.”

　

“I know I have it,” answered Mr. Morrow. “But what I want to know is, where in the world an I going?”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　A Silly Professor
　

　

A professor tried to train his donkey to get along without eating, by gradually cutting down on his food. When the animal dropped dead of starvation, he said, “An irreplaceable loss. Just when he had learned not to eat, he suddenly died.”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　A Clever Answer
　

　

Dad: Do you know why I am going to punish you, Bob?

　

Bob: No, dad.

　

Dad: One should always be kind to the younger, but this morning you threw little Jim's hat into the pool.

　

Bob: Yes, I know I was wrong, Dad. But am I much younger than you?

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　A Faithful Pupil
　

　

“Flowers need water,” said the teacher. “Water your flowers every day, or they'll die.”

　

One morning Mother saw Marry out in the garden and asked, “What are you doing there, Marry?”

　

“Watering flowers,” said Marry.

　

“But it is raining now!”

　

“Oh, it doesn't matter. Mum. I have an umbrella!”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　a Silly Servant
　

　

A servant broke a cup. His master was very angry and asked, “How did you break it?”

　

“Do you really want to know?” the servant picked up another cup and threw it onto the ground, “I broke it like this.”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　Happiness
　

　

Judge: Now I see that apart from money, you stole watches, rings and necklaces.

　

Defendant: yes, sir. But I heard that money alone does not bring happiness.

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　You Get Zero
　

　

During a Christmas exam, one of the questions was: “What causes a depression?” One of the students wrote: “God knows! I don't. Merry Christmas!”

　

The exam paper came back with the prof's notation: “God gets 100! You get zero! Happy New Year!”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　I Am a Barber
　

　

She: how many times do you shave a day?

　

He: oh, forty or fifty times.

　

She: Are you crazy?

　

He: No, I am a barber.

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　Is He a Good Doctor?
　

　

An American visiting a remote area in South America became sick. “I have to see a doctor,” he told a local. “How can I know which doctor is a good one?”

　

“It's easy,” was the reply. “Every time a doctor loses a patient, it's our law that he must fly a balloon above his office.”

　

So the American began his search. One doctor flew 20 balloons, another 30. Finally the American found an office that was flying only five, and he went in.

　

“You will have to wait,” the doctor told him. “For someone who only started practice yesterday, I've been very busy.”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　Sold Out
　

　

In a bookshop, a writer found all the books on the shelves were written by him. He was very pleased. “Where are the other writers' books?” he asked. “They have been sold out.” was the answer.

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　The Last Warning
　

　

Alice was a secretary She was always late for work. Whenever she was late, she would tell the boss that her watch was slow.

　

One morning Alice was late again. The boss was very angry. He shouted at her, “I say, Alice, if you don't change your watch. I'll change my secretary!”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　A Clever Boy
　

　

It was a very hot summer afternoon. The sun was shining brightly. A very tall and fat woman was walking along the street. She felt uneasy because a schoolboy was following her closely. She began to walk faster, and the boy walked slowly, too! At last the woman stopped. She turned round and looked at the boy.

　

“Tell me, sonny,” she asked. “Why are you following me?”

　

“Oh, sorry, madam,” said the boy, “but it's cooler walking in the shade behind you.”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　I Didn't Need It Then
　

　

A poor man went into a doctor's office. He looked very sad. “Doctor,” he said,” you must help me. I

　

　

 

　…
　

I swallowed a dime two months ago.” “Oh, God!” said the doctor. “Why didn't you come to me on the day when you swallowed it?”
　

“To tell you truth, Doctor,” the man replied, “I didn't need it so much then.”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　You Are the Seventh
　

　

One morning, John left his house with six donkeys to go to the market. After a time, he got very tired and got on one of them. He counted the donkeys, and there were only five, so he got off and went to look for the sixth. He looked and looked but did not find it. So he went back to the donkeys and counted them again. This time there were six, so he got on one of them again, and they all started.

　

After a few minutes, he counted the donkeys again, and again there were only five! While he was counting again, a friend of his passed, and John said to him, “I left my house with six donkeys; then, I had five; then, I had six again; and now I have only five! Look! One, two, three, four, five.”

　

“But, John,” said his friend, “you are sitting on a donkey too! That is the sixth! And you are the seventh!”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　Mother and Son
　

　

One day Mother looked at Tom's shoes and said, “Tom, lock at your shoes. How dirty they are! You must clean them.”

　

“Oh, Mother, but I cleaned them only yesterday,” said the boy.

　

“But they are dirty now, You must clean them again.”

　

“I don't want to clean them today; even if I clean them today, they will be dirty again tomorrow.”

　

Tom's mother thought for a moment and said, “All right, Don't clean them then.”

　

In the evening Tom came back from school. He was very hungry.

　

“Mother, give me something to eat, please,” he said

　

“You had your breakfast in the morning, Tom, and you had your lunch at school,” his mother said, smiling.

　

“I'm hungry again now,” cried the boy.

　

“Oh, really? But even if I give you something to eat today, you will be hungry again tomorrow.”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　Is Tom Right?
　

　

One evening Tom was sitting in a concert hall with his uncle, They were listening to the beautiful music.

　

“Do you know music?” his uncle asked Tom.

　

“Yes.”

　

“Can you tell me what the young man is playing now?”

　

“Yes. He is playing the piano now.” Tom answered with a smile.

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　He Swore to Die
　

　

“If you refuse to marry me,” he swore, “I shall die,” She refused him.

　

Sixty years later, he died.

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　Who Were the Other Two?
　

　

An adjective has three qualitative degrees: good, better and best.

　

The pernickety English grammar teacher married a man of quality. “You are the best woman in my life,” announced the groom on their wedding night.

　

“And who were the other two?” angrily snapped the grammar-conscious bride.

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　Politeness
　

　

Mother: Which apple do you want, tom?

　

Tom: The biggest one.

　

Mother: Why, Tom, you should be polite and take the little one.

　

Tom: Well, Mum, should I lie just to be polite?

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　She Ate All My Bait
　

　

The young boy protested vigorously when his mother asked him to take his little sister to go fishing. “Last time she came,” he objected, “I didn't catch a single fish.”

　

“I'll talk to her,” his mother said,” and I promise this time she won't make any noise.”

　

“It wasn't the noise, Mum,” the boy replied. “She ate all my bait.”

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　I'll Learn the Latter Half
　

　

Son: Dad, is French very difficult to learn?

　

Father: MY boy, at the beginning it is, but after that it becomes very easy.

　

Son: That's great! I'll learn the latter half.

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　A Poor Poet
　

　

Poet: I hope you have received the little Volume of poems I sent you.

　

Woman: Oh, yes, I have. It's very nice. I wonder where I have put it?

　

Her son: It's under leg of the table, Mum, to make it steady.

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　I'll Take Two
　

　

Tall woman: Look! Here is a magazine that tells how to take five years off your face.

　

Short Woman: Good! I'll take two of them!

　

　

　
　

 

　

　

 

　The Opposite Result
　

　

After a year of treatment at a beauty parlor, a forty-year-old woman told her husband. “Miss Tina, who treats me, says that I looked almost fifty before the treatment, but now I look only about thirty.”

　

After a while her husband said, “I'm afraid it's the opposite result.”